Today's thoughts | 7 January 2016

----- Racism intolerance -----

In response: Unfortunately Dear Friend, you can't pin it down to his ethnicity. You should be condemning the man as a person and not as an Asian. Blame this person for their stupidity and not their ethnicity. 

Also, good effort trying to guise your racism under the pretence that you have plenty of friends who are Asian. It really doesn't change the fact you are inherently racist. Having friends who are Asian and being a racist are two different things and you can be both. Sympathy, acceptance and understanding are interchangeable and those attitudes should be lodged into your system instead. 

Don't try to argue - you are a racist as you see the faults of the man by his ethnicity rather than his title as a man, woman or person. 

The difference between racist and not racist is simply this: (my tweet, excuse the lameness)

Not racist:
@jcm: Almost every time I get my eyebrows waxed they ask me if I want to get my upper lip waxed too ugh #pinayprobz

Racist:
@jcm: Almost every time I get my eyebrows waxed the Asian lady always asks me if I want to get my upper lip waxed too ugh #pinayprobz

Actually, that's not even racist because my original non-racist tweet (though a rant) is polite and therefore the non-racist edit becomes too tame (there should have probably been a generalisation that all Asian beauticians were unkind). And that is simply because I am not a racist, have empathy and understanding for others and always am accepting. I do not prosecute or judge another by the colour of their skin but by the substance they bring. 

Racism is something I feel strongly about because this is something I grew up with, came to learn about, struggled with and still am being exposed to. Though I've become strong and immune (for the most part) to tackless insults, it will always be something I care about and stand strongly against. I hope for the day I can rest without the fear of being condemned for the shape of my eyes, the colour of my skin or even my unusual sensibilities. 

I guess this was a small remark and it may not seem like a big deal to some. But it has me heated. I know when and when not to talk. I pick my fights but I also know when I can ignore something.

For the most part, i'm surrounded by people who live in a small little bubble in the tiniest corner of Sydney. They don't know about the real world. Their remarks are truly unintelligent and ignorant. I pity them. 

----- Damn you, Stress -----

So many projects, so little time. So much indecisiveness, so little time. So much ideas and creativity, so little time. 

I work best last minute and produce still outstanding results but imagine what I could do with more time?

I hate myself for my desire to want to do things but my inability to act. (Oh hey, Hamlet Year 12 Advance English)

----- Spotlight can have me -----

I love spotlight. I wish I could make things. I'm good on the computer but not good with just my bare hands. I have so many ideas but lack the mind of an engineer. 

Maybe this year I can learn how to see a few stitches? Maybe I can gain a lifelong hobby? Maybe I can profit from it? Maybe I can even make a small business out of it? 

Who knows!

All I know is I do want to pursue this. I love design. I also wouldn't mind spending my time in Spotlight. 

----- Heart Attack prone -----

This is a heart attack and diabetes in one shot. I'm killin' myself. I really am. I actually struggled to breathe trying to inhale my snack pack in one go.

I'm sorry, but it was too damn tasty to be a Parisian. 

----- Why be perfect when you can work your way around it? (Or if you can fix it in the shower) -----

I.e. People say I'm pretty but I don't believe so - I honestly am not. I slap on makeup. That's what makes me pretty. I guess it's a facade (but I don't deem it fake). Is that so wrong? (More on this in a future post).

I'm proud of myself for the way I've come to look now. I have come a long way. I was ugly from birth to high-school. But then I discovered the power of makeup. 

Anyway, that was a bit unrelated but I cbb to think as it is 2am in the morning and my call time is quite early tomorrow.

'Twas a good day. Cya!

*update: 3:02am. Insomniac, always. I normally sleep at 5am but am aiming for now. I've come to a realisation that the fan helps my insomnia. It creates noise of the thoughts in my mind that run wild amongst the silence of the dark. 

I hope people remember me for my kind soul, big and gentle heart, and immense empathy.

I am the girl who cried for the deaf man who distributed handcrafted Butterflies in The Rocks and bought one whilst no one else did so so he knew he was appreciated. I am the girl who cried for the busker wanting to liven up the spirits of passers-by who were heedless towards his colourful act on a train in Paris. I am the girl who ran out of the warmth of a bus to buy from vendors of refugee background selling tokens on the grounds of Versailles not because she particularly wanted it, but because she wanted them to be able to have the life they deserve and feel appreciated amongst those who looked down on them with superiority. I am the girl who pleaded to her parents to tip a dedicated waiter so he know his kindness, hard-work and service in all its authenticity did not go unnoticed.

I am the girl who always thanks and acknowledges every soul that makes me feel happy and part of this world. I am the girl who appreciates those who serve me and does not discriminate against those perceived as "inferior." I am the girl who is fearful of others allowing her in a better position be kind and gentle to all regardless. I am the girl who feels for the struggles of others from one end of the spectrum to the other.

I am also the girl who feels for others but also has her own troubles and is sometimes helpless (though i'm growing).

I am the girl who has and always will have a kind soul, big and gentle heart, and immense empathy.

I use to be defined for my kind and caring soul.

But shit happened.

It's hard to go back to normality without thinking (other people are thinking) you're a fake.

I'm sad, gloomy-eyed and bitter. I walk with my head down and I don't beam with energy or luminosity.

I'm trapped.

I want to be a better version of myself but I don't think people will ever let me.

This is how I have to live now. This is who I am defined as now.

Take away the makeup on my face,
take away the fashionable dresses off my body,
take away the mambojambo that comes out of my mouth,
take away the smile plastered on my face,
take away the flattery used to please others.
I am nothing.

"... it won't even reach her I.Q."
- Dad.

I've realised that people don't see I have intelligence. They only see a pretty face and smile. It makes me sad because I know I have so much worth. I have a kind soul, gentle heart, immense empathy and intelligence to match. I have intelligence because sometimes I question things and defy the norms. I have intelligence because I don't need others to lead me to my path. I have intelligence because I have a kind soul, gentle heart and immense empathy.

My greatest achievement of 2015 | 5 January 2016

As my internet is not functioning and I have time to live life like your average human being, I am reflecting on my "greatest achievement" of 2015. And why this is in quotation marks is because it's merely an "achievement." I see other people do many great things and my achievement is not even comparable. But because all things are relative, I consider this my "greatest achievement." And in saying that, it only means there are lesser achievements unequal to that of my greatest but still nonetheless an achievement. And I also say that because when you know of it, you'll be very unimpressed because this "greatest achievement" in hindsight is not really "great."

Because i've already written about this on my iPhone notes and because I am too lazy, I will simply state it in plain, simple English. My greatest achievement of 2015 is when I passed Finance at university last semester. See? It sounds bad. What a a complete let down! I guess I need to explain it so it be justified. But again, I am lazy (very ironic and very related to my achievement).

So yes. That was it. Maybe it's because I "achieved" this in the end of the year and it is the only thing that has made me sincerely and extremely happy for a while, that it's classified as my greatest achievement. I did live another 300 days or so in 2015 prior to my Spring semester struggles but I have yet to backtrack that far.

I guess did travel overseas three times? All three trips were amazing. On two occasions I travelled without my parents. On one trip I was completely without parents. I saw sights that were breathtakingly beautiful and out-of-this-world. I guess I succeeded at uni in general this year? I gained connections to people who commended and appreciated my creativity and hard work. I completely blitzed group work making people plead to have me in their next group. I got good marks on each assessment. I guess my fashion has gotten better? I revolutionised my style and am wearing things regardless of what people might think of me. I don't dress for anyone and wear what I feel comfortable in. I am also sometimes getting noticed for what I wear. I guess i've become a better photographer? I captured great memories with great skill on camera. People noticed my photography and wanted to pursue it for their own. I must say that my insta feed was on point on several occasions this year. I guess I reached a milestone? I turned 21 in October. I had a great party I planned from start to finish. I guess i've realised that while my age makes me an adult, i've been mature, strong-willed and independent even before the number defined me.

I hope 2016 will be better. 2015 was great but again; when compared to others' accomplishments and endeavours, mine were pretty tame. I need 2016 and my year as a 21 year old to be grand and spectacular. I want a miracle to happen. I want my life to change. I want to see myself change and grow as a person. I want to see new things, do more things, experience different things and meet new people. I want to live life. 

Ps. I do love that my writing sounds quite Old English. I've been watching Reign and I guess it's had an affect on me. I think i'm going to get into more period dramas before I jet off for Europe. And on that note, more Europe talk to come this month because I am so bloody excited. I can only guess it will be the only thing on my mind.

HELLO 2016 | 1 January 2016

It's currently 2:17am on January 3. Not even three days into the new year and I have already failed at my attempt of a #postaday for 2016. So I guess i'll keep the first two days short and sweet.

My New Years day was average. Of course it would be since New Years Eve was where it was at. I spent the day of New Years Eve at Wattamolla Beach with some of my family. I got sunburnt and didn't deserve it since I sat under the shade and didn't get to swim all day long. Although I got sunburnt, I still had a fun time watching my cousins cliff jump, relaxing and enjoying life as I sat under the trees, and just wandering about admiring all the beauty of the area. To top the day off, we had a fun (though short) New Years Eve celebration at my house where we ate, played Family Feud and Cups, drank a bit and encountered a poor stray dog called "Muscles" who came to us scared from the fireworks. It was the shortest celebration since the party started late and we all slept as soon as 12am hit and the celebrations died down. We were all just too tired from our long day at the beach.

Fast forward to New Years Day. I woke up early with "Muscles" on my mind. I was worried he'd be tangled with his leash. Got to the backyard and didn't find him there. Found the gate was open and drama started. I got my sister to the dirty work. I couldn't handle the situation. I slept again, woke up, slept again and finally woke up completely in the afternoon. I watched Sound of Music with my cousins and went to my cousins house for dinner. We went for a Maccas run, gazed at the stars and the viewed the town at a local hill, and watched the movie Friday.

That was all really. There could be more to stay but I just gave the basic recount because i'm so tired. It's 2:31am and I cannot function. I don't have the capacity to be descriptive in anyway and can only be bothered to write out basic sentences.

Bottom line is, NYE and NY was fun.

I don't have expectations for 2016 and am not counting on a miracle just because the year has changed. The transition from 2015 to 2016 was just another moment or night for me. Every year previous to this, I always wanted it to be perfect thinking that if I could just believe, everything would change. But it doesn't. "Same shit, different year" I believe. Hence, New Years Eve celebrations are not my thing or not as significant for me. I'd actually just stay home.

Whilst I could write something reflective and deep, it's just a basic recount because it's just another day. NYE, meh.

Travelling to Wordpress

Blogger has been a part of my life (very on-off - mostly off) for so long. I'm pretty sure i've been on blogger for 7-8 years. Maybe i'm exaggerating, but it's definitely been long. What can I say? I'm a woman with problems dating back from my silly little old girly self without any friends to talk to and needing an outlet to spill it all out. Times certainly don't change.

But the time has come for me to expand my horizons. I'm moving to Wordpress. But not entirely though. I'm still keeping this for all my daily woes that are so very personal to me. Blogger will be like my secret diary... like it always has been I guess. But Wordpress will be my public (really?) diary where I post about things related to travel just like a professional blogger does. Definitely not like a crappy blogger who has made countless sloppy blog posts and completely different blog sites that are all very random and complicated and just messy.

I figured it'll be best that way. Blogger in my eyes is just not the platform for posts so polished and professional and posts that will possibly be open to the public because I do indeed want to share with the world my love for travel.

I know everyone's doing it and this whole travel blogging thing is not new, but it's all about perspective. And it's all about my own experiences and documenting it for my benefit. And hey! I was into blogging way way wayyyyy back. And photography too. I could've been a pioneer but no. Very typical me not to pursue anything and just be a dud. Now I won't hold myself back!

So now, I best be off onto the land of Wordpress. How scary.

BRB xoxo