Travelling to Wordpress

Blogger has been a part of my life (very on-off - mostly off) for so long. I'm pretty sure i've been on blogger for 7-8 years. Maybe i'm exaggerating, but it's definitely been long. What can I say? I'm a woman with problems dating back from my silly little old girly self without any friends to talk to and needing an outlet to spill it all out. Times certainly don't change.

But the time has come for me to expand my horizons. I'm moving to Wordpress. But not entirely though. I'm still keeping this for all my daily woes that are so very personal to me. Blogger will be like my secret diary... like it always has been I guess. But Wordpress will be my public (really?) diary where I post about things related to travel just like a professional blogger does. Definitely not like a crappy blogger who has made countless sloppy blog posts and completely different blog sites that are all very random and complicated and just messy.

I figured it'll be best that way. Blogger in my eyes is just not the platform for posts so polished and professional and posts that will possibly be open to the public because I do indeed want to share with the world my love for travel.

I know everyone's doing it and this whole travel blogging thing is not new, but it's all about perspective. And it's all about my own experiences and documenting it for my benefit. And hey! I was into blogging way way wayyyyy back. And photography too. I could've been a pioneer but no. Very typical me not to pursue anything and just be a dud. Now I won't hold myself back!

So now, I best be off onto the land of Wordpress. How scary.

BRB xoxo

I hate twitter

I don't like Twitter because I feel people will make misinformed impressions on me on whatever I seldomly post. Because basketball is not the only thing I do or am concerned with in my life... Because i'm not a loser for being so excited over Europe because i've been before and I could've been excited like 10 months ago when we booked it but chose not to... I hate social media actually and that's why I don't like posting stuff. Because i'm so scared and anxious over other people's judgement. I think it comes from not having any friends. The only people in my life who know the full picture is my family. I don't think I would feel the need to post anything if I had more friends who knew me inside-out. I wouldn't have to prove anything or inform anyone about what's going on. Why can't everyone know i'm talented in my ability to produce cool videos or why can't they know i'm cool and worldly because i've travelled since I was literally a year old and have been to so many places in the world without having to post fancy videos or photos on social media to prove it? Again, it's because I don't have close friends. Even my close cousins don't know the full picture. Posting on social media is my way of showcasing the good aspects of my life because I feel like people should know because my life is actually quite sweet. Maybe I should just be content with my life without needing gratification from others. But how? What's the point of doing the things I do? People won't know how sweet it is or how great I am. But then again, while I have friends and cousins I could tell stuff to, I feel it'll be boastful. And I am not boastful. I'm humble and I don't like to brag. But how will they know? What gets me angry is that other people get recognition for this and that when been there, done that! Maybe I need to be more humble and just content with what I have and who I am without comparing myself to others. Maybe I just have to wait so people can figure things out about me as life progresses. But i'm not getting any younger and i'm getting old and obsolete and outdated in my skills and knowledge on things... I guess I should just be more content with me.

Ugh. My existence is a mess. Maybe my problem is my head thinking stupid thoughts and construing all the fine details into negativity. I don't even want to continue trying to work things out because I know i'll just come to a conclusion I knew from the start and one that won't make any difference in my life whatsoever. I'm just making myself stressed and very confused. Life is shit.

Thoughts; 30 November 2015 at 12:30am

• Life is a rollercoaster. I was stuck in a big rut yesterday (the biggest, most shittest rut ever) and I am now okay. A bit okay. I'm tweeting a lot and so people have this impression i'm always okay and only have stupid things like basketball going on in my life, which is not the case because social media really only captures a glimpse of the colourful side of my life (which is a my own personal by-line by the way). It will never include all the monumentally bad/sad and dramatic periods of my life because well, that's just stupid. Anyway - back to the point. I was stuck in a rut yesterday and right up until 5pm today. I thought i'd stay miserable forever but i'm back to (sort of) normal. I don't know how to feel. I liked being miserable, stuck in my room, completely distant from everyone and everything. I didn't have to pretend to not want to do things or give excuses to get out of things because I had a good excuse. Life was shit yesterday but now it's somewhat better. I didn't think i'd pull through and this situation would get somewhat better. I mean, it's still unfinished. I'm still in a rut and there's still anger and tension. But I think I know it'll get back to normal again like it always does. But this was different wasn't it? I don't know... who knows, it all might happen again and be okay again then happen again and the cycle might continue. I don't know. What can be done to fix all this not only in the short-term, but more importantly in the long-run? I think, deep inside, my gut feeling I know is that I need to escape. (Note: get this tattooed). Whether it be moving out or going on an extended vacation overseas and just finding myself. I think that would do so much for myself and everyone. All I think I know is that I need change. I really, desperately need a new atmosphere and just a completely different scenery from the normality I cling on to so comfortably. 
• My life is shit. I don't have anyone. Back to my rut - I found myself abandoned and didn't have anyone to call but my dad who wasn't part of it all because he was overseas. And he was overseas so he didn't really help much with what I needed. I could've called my cousins maybe but i'm not one to do that. I didn't want to involve them at all. I didn't want anyone - absolutely anyone - (even the strangers on the street) to get involved. Whilst it's noble, I think that it could also be damaging because no one will ever know your problems or your true self with all the bad stuff. Because sometimes you want people to understand you and empathise with you.
• Back to my dad - it took 15 years of this to actually "realtime" text him. Why didn't I do it sooner? I guess it just happened because that's when I needed him. We still need him. He's giving me good advice and being a mediator via text, and while i'm so appreciative of the beauty of texting him with hundreds and thousands of miles of distance between us, he just needs to be here. It's so hard. Life is hard for all of us. I know it's hard for her because she doesn't have him. To be frank, he just needs to come back and live here - and not only live here but to be part of our lives - forever. I just can't get around the fact that he doesn't live everyday of his life with us by his side. How can he? Doesn't he love her or us? What's so good about his life there apart from his work? Does he have something there holding him back? Does he have his own secrets there? While it seems to be normal for us, I just know that it really isn't normal. Could our relatives and their families do this? I don't think so. Would they? Probably not. It just sucks. 

Update 4/12/15: Here's a pic of my dad heading into departures on 14 July 2015. This was the first time in about a decade that we actually drove him to the airport. I don't even remember the last time we did it. That's how long ago and young I was. Despite all the years i've grown up to be the strong and independent woman (I am totally not joking about) that I am, I still managed to shed a tear or two. Or a river. It's my quarterly ritual. 

Every time he comes into our room in the morning of his departure, he kisses us goodbye, I exchange my usual timid but unusually affectionate hug (to prove how much i'll miss him or maybe as a way of saying "stay!"), then he heads out the door. I follow and peek out the door as I watch him drive away in the car and shed the same tears. And that's how it goes everytime he leaves. Weird huh? You'd think i'd grow out of it... 

But what i've recently discovered is that I was okay with it and it was normal to me then as a kid growing up because I knew and had hope there was going to be a time he'd stay for good. But now as i've grown up and time seems so short and passes so quickly (and probably because my life is completely and utterly shit), I miss him and want him to stay here so much more than ever. It's like we're losing so much precious moments without him here. Life's too short and him and mum aren't growing any younger, and neither are we or even Sundae (lol but seriously). He's missing out on our life - the good, bad and ugly - and we're missing out on his. We're missing out on getting to know him and he's missing out on getting to know us - every single detail - including the good, bad and ugly. It's just like he's not our dad. My dad.

Other people have it worse with the military and broken families but I just feel our situation is just the same even though I know it isn't at face value. I'm angry that they can be victims and seem to have the right to feel sad and everyone understands, but I can't. I guess it's because he comes back regularly and he will come back in the end. There's just something that isn't right.

Is it sad i've never received flowers in my life? Ever?

My head hurts

When I was in high-school, I remember not caring about boys. And that meant I didn't care about how I looked. The only make-up I wore was powder. And I just wore whatever I felt comfortable in. I didn't care about how I acted too. I mean, it's not like the boys at my school were going to go after me.

As usual, my mind tonight is buzzing. But my thoughts are centred on the notion of love and relationships. After watching a prom scene from my current favourite T.V. show (Awkward), thinking about my sister's relationship and impressed by how good they are together, and just flicking through FB and stalking relationships, my lack of relationship just becomes even more striking.

Almost three years out of high-school later, I'm starting to miss the way I use to be. Well, it's actually hard for me to 'miss' it. At this point in my life with an underlying makeup dependency, I can't imagine how i'd ever go back. I'm in awe of the power I had within myself - the strength I had not to care about what the boys thought of me and the power I had to push my thoughts of boys in the back of my mind - but as I try to convince myself to become my old self again, I just can't bring myself to.

One reason I can think of is the whole time complexity - i'm growing old, times going fast, experiences haven't been made, and opportunities are being missed.

I care about boys now. The sad thing is, the only way I know I can get a boy's attention is by caking up,  skimping up, and acting up. Which is not me. While I like wearing make-up and dressing up for myself, do I really have to up it up a notch just because I want to get a boy's attention?

I did not even once mention substance. Am I that naive and conceited thinking that physical appearance is the only in? While I have my own problems dealing with my "substance", I guess I think I somewhat am a woman of substance. But how far can small talk go? Maybe this is my problem... Maybe I'm 2D... Maybe I don't have much breadth... that's another story, I think. I'll save it for another time.

But my main conclusion is, maybe I just have to wait a little bit more? Maybe I just have to turn off my radar and end the search? I guess i'm counting on my hopeless romantic fairytale idea of finding love when you least or don't expect it at all. Maybe that'll work?

But my soul crushes when I think i've already tried that and it doesn't work. This whole thing is a sham and it's just a cycle.

Maybe I should just give up completely. Maybe I should just accept defeat and realise a relationship-less life was my destiny, or even curse (mum's conspiracy). But i'm not a sucker for this destiny. I don't want the winds just to carry me through life. I want to make the winds and lead my own life. Maybe I need to do something.... But I just said, "maybe I should just wait a little bit more" and not do anything...

FUCK THIS.

Hello Blogspot, we meet again

... for the 100th time.