My head hurts

When I was in high-school, I remember not caring about boys. And that meant I didn't care about how I looked. The only make-up I wore was powder. And I just wore whatever I felt comfortable in. I didn't care about how I acted too. I mean, it's not like the boys at my school were going to go after me.

As usual, my mind tonight is buzzing. But my thoughts are centred on the notion of love and relationships. After watching a prom scene from my current favourite T.V. show (Awkward), thinking about my sister's relationship and impressed by how good they are together, and just flicking through FB and stalking relationships, my lack of relationship just becomes even more striking.

Almost three years out of high-school later, I'm starting to miss the way I use to be. Well, it's actually hard for me to 'miss' it. At this point in my life with an underlying makeup dependency, I can't imagine how i'd ever go back. I'm in awe of the power I had within myself - the strength I had not to care about what the boys thought of me and the power I had to push my thoughts of boys in the back of my mind - but as I try to convince myself to become my old self again, I just can't bring myself to.

One reason I can think of is the whole time complexity - i'm growing old, times going fast, experiences haven't been made, and opportunities are being missed.

I care about boys now. The sad thing is, the only way I know I can get a boy's attention is by caking up,  skimping up, and acting up. Which is not me. While I like wearing make-up and dressing up for myself, do I really have to up it up a notch just because I want to get a boy's attention?

I did not even once mention substance. Am I that naive and conceited thinking that physical appearance is the only in? While I have my own problems dealing with my "substance", I guess I think I somewhat am a woman of substance. But how far can small talk go? Maybe this is my problem... Maybe I'm 2D... Maybe I don't have much breadth... that's another story, I think. I'll save it for another time.

But my main conclusion is, maybe I just have to wait a little bit more? Maybe I just have to turn off my radar and end the search? I guess i'm counting on my hopeless romantic fairytale idea of finding love when you least or don't expect it at all. Maybe that'll work?

But my soul crushes when I think i've already tried that and it doesn't work. This whole thing is a sham and it's just a cycle.

Maybe I should just give up completely. Maybe I should just accept defeat and realise a relationship-less life was my destiny, or even curse (mum's conspiracy). But i'm not a sucker for this destiny. I don't want the winds just to carry me through life. I want to make the winds and lead my own life. Maybe I need to do something.... But I just said, "maybe I should just wait a little bit more" and not do anything...

FUCK THIS.