- Life is a rollercoaster. I was stuck in a big rut yesterday (the biggest, most shittest rut ever) and I am now okay. A bit okay. I'm tweeting a lot and so people have this impression i'm always okay and only have stupid things like basketball going on in my life, which is not the case because social media really only captures a glimpse of the colourful side of my life (which is a my own personal by-line by the way). It will never include all the monumentally bad/sad and dramatic periods of my life because well, that's just stupid. Anyway - back to the point. I was stuck in a rut yesterday and right up until 5pm today. I thought i'd stay miserable forever but i'm back to (sort of) normal. I don't know how to feel. I liked being miserable, stuck in my room, completely distant from everyone and everything. I didn't have to pretend to not want to do things or give excuses to get out of things because I had a good excuse. Life was shit yesterday but now it's somewhat better. I didn't think i'd pull through and this situation would get somewhat better. I mean, it's still unfinished. I'm still in a rut and there's still anger and tension. But I think I know it'll get back to normal again like it always does. But this was different wasn't it? I don't know... who knows, it all might happen again and be okay again then happen again and the cycle might continue. I don't know. What can be done to fix all this not only in the short-term, but more importantly in the long-run? I think, deep inside, my gut feeling I know is that I need to escape. (Note: get this tattooed). Whether it be moving out or going on an extended vacation overseas and just finding myself. I think that would do so much for myself and everyone. All I think I know is that I need change. I really, desperately need a new atmosphere and just a completely different scenery from the normality I cling on to so comfortably.
- My life is shit. I don't have anyone. Back to my rut - I found myself abandoned and didn't have anyone to call but my dad who wasn't part of it all because he was overseas. And he was overseas so he didn't really help much with what I needed. I could've called my cousins maybe but i'm not one to do that. I didn't want to involve them at all. I didn't want anyone - absolutely anyone - (even the strangers on the street) to get involved. Whilst it's noble, I think that it could also be damaging because no one will ever know your problems or your true self with all the bad stuff. Because sometimes you want people to understand you and empathise with you.
- Back to my dad - it took 15 years of this to actually "realtime" text him. Why didn't I do it sooner? I guess it just happened because that's when I needed him. We still need him. He's giving me good advice and being a mediator via text, and while i'm so appreciative of the beauty of texting him with hundreds and thousands of miles of distance between us, he just needs to be here. It's so hard. Life is hard for all of us. I know it's hard for her because she doesn't have him. To be frank, he just needs to come back and live here - and not only live here but to be part of our lives - forever. I just can't get around the fact that he doesn't live everyday of his life with us by his side. How can he? Doesn't he love her or us? What's so good about his life there apart from his work? Does he have something there holding him back? Does he have his own secrets there? While it seems to be normal for us, I just know that it really isn't normal. Could our relatives and their families do this? I don't think so. Would they? Probably not. It just sucks.
Update 4/12/15: Here's a pic of my dad heading into departures on 14 July 2015. This was the first time in about a decade that we actually drove him to the airport. I don't even remember the last time we did it. That's how long ago and young I was. Despite all the years i've grown up to be the strong and independent woman (I am totally not joking about) that I am, I still managed to shed a tear or two. Or a river. It's my quarterly ritual.
Every time he comes into our room in the morning of his departure, he kisses us goodbye, I exchange my usual timid but unusually affectionate hug (to prove how much i'll miss him or maybe as a way of saying "stay!"), then he heads out the door. I follow and peek out the door as I watch him drive away in the car and shed the same tears. And that's how it goes everytime he leaves. Weird huh? You'd think i'd grow out of it...
But what i've recently discovered is that I was okay with it and it was normal to me then as a kid growing up because I knew and had hope there was going to be a time he'd stay for good. But now as i've grown up and time seems so short and passes so quickly (and probably because my life is completely and utterly shit), I miss him and want him to stay here so much more than ever. It's like we're losing so much precious moments without him here. Life's too short and him and mum aren't growing any younger, and neither are we or even Sundae (lol but seriously). He's missing out on our life - the good, bad and ugly - and we're missing out on his. We're missing out on getting to know him and he's missing out on getting to know us - every single detail - including the good, bad and ugly. It's just like he's not our dad. My dad.
Other people have it worse with the military and broken families but I just feel our situation is just the same even though I know it isn't at face value. I'm angry that they can be victims and seem to have the right to feel sad and everyone understands, but I can't. I guess it's because he comes back regularly and he will come back in the end. There's just something that isn't right.
No comments:
Post a Comment